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Guy: "So [insert robot builder's name here], you're building a robot? That's pretty cool. I watched one of those robot fighting shows recently"
Robot Builder: "Which one?"
Guy: "Uh....that show with the robots fighting on it...it was on....what was that channel again?? You know, the one with the robot that had the pick that was going up and down. It was fighting a guy with a wedge. The host was that guy from that show....you know!"
*Robot builder screams*
*Robot builder puts a gun to his own head*
BAM!
The above is an actual conversation that I keep having over and over again like Bill Murray in Groundhog Day. These people drive me NUTS. I'm related to a frightening number of them too. In an effort to preserve my sanity, I will provide you with a webpage devoted to explaining the different robot fighting shows. So without further adieu...
GUAVA MOMENT PRESENTS:
A COMPARITIVE ANALYSIS OF ROBOT TV SHOWS
To start off, we state what a good robot TV show entails.
First, it must have a filler-to-robot ratio of no more than three. I want to see robots. I do not want to see a vignette how much power the robot builder's home stereo puts out. Occasionally these are interesting and needed, but a very fine balance is needed, one heavily in favour of action.,
Second, the hosts. The main host must not be annoying, and the ditzy female co-host must have a reason to be there other than to throw in some T&A for the mainly male viewing audience.
Third, robot fighting is not WWF wrestling. When competitors are put in front of a camera, I do not want them to act or be anything other than themselves. I do not want competitors to be told by a producer to act like wrestlers and talk smack to the other competitors. Now don't get me wrong, I like wrestling, but the two do not mix.
Fourthly, robot fights must be fair and interesting. This means the robots fight to the death or until there is a clear winner, not until one falls into a pit or is destroyed by house robots. This is also taken to mean that we see the robots fighting. There is nothing more boring than seeing robots go through a speedway or obstacle course.
Robotica
Our first show to analyze is Robotica. This show appears on TLC. It was created as an example of how not to make a robot fighting show that people would want to watch.
Filler Ratio: In this hour long show, there is around five minutes of actual robot events. The rest is filler. And just like the filler in cheap cat food, Robotica puts the taste of ash in your mouth. Given the chance, I could fit everything in this show into half an hour, and even that would still be too long.
Ditz Factor: Extremely high. It's not the female that's annoying though, it's the host.
This man is Dweezil Zappa's brother Ahmet. He is as annoying as Jar Jar Binks. No one likes him, we all want to see him die, and he helps to ruin something that may have been good without him. Should you ever encounter Ahmet, kick him the nuts for us.
For the later seasons they've added Dan Danknick (henceforth known as Dan Dan-something) of Team Delta to do pit commentary. Dan ROCKS. He's a cool guy, I've emailed him a few times and he responded with class, his webpage is awesome, the products he sells are great, he knows what he's talking about, etc. It's a shame Dan Dan-something couldn't HOST Robotica. That would give it an extra 6 points out of 10 alone. Maybe this could happen if Ahmet suffered and unfortunate.........accident. Yes, an....."accident". But who could set up such an "accident"???
DAN DAN-SOMETHING! I'M TALKING TO YOU!!!!! USURP THE THRONE!!!!!
Wrasslin' or not: Ahmet thinks so, but the competitors are themselves at least.
Interesting?: Lord no. Events in Robotica include: "the speedway" event, the "pointless running through of bricks" event, the "stupid maze" event, and since there was time left to fill, what the heck, let's let them "fight until one falls off the platform". YAWN. For the later seasons they've changed it to have three events: "The combo Speedway/Pointless running through of bricks", and "The combo Maze/Pointless running through of bricks" and kept the "fight until one falls off the platform".
One other thing that just hit me - this show would fit perfectly in 1970s Russia. It's very communist in that it discourages variety. To be on Robotica, you need big honkin' NPC motors, and that's it. Make a pusher. You'd never see anything cool like
Nightmare or Mechadon, and that's a terrible shame.
Final score: 3 out of 10. Stay the hell away! I mean it!
 ROBOT WARS
Important distinction here folks! There are two completely different Robot wars. The first to analyze is the BRITISH VERSION, simply called Robot Wars. It's on various channels, none of them being big names.
Filler Ratio: Very favourable. This hour long show packs 7 fights, each about three minutes in length, plus a filler event of the day. Interviews are actually interesting. Not much time available here to take a trip to the fridge.
Ditz Factor: Non-existant. The host Craig Charles, of Red Dwarf fame, with his witty humour and non-threatening British accent do not grate on the nerves.
The female co-host is perfect. She actually knows what she's talking about, she fits in perfectly, and is never used for T&A. In this world of Britney Spears and the rest, it is refreshing to see an intellgent woman in a role usually dominated by mindless eye candy.
Wrasslin; or not?: Not at all. The way it should be.
Interesting?: The one spot on an otherwise perfect show. The interviews are worth watching and non-fight events (called trials) are spaced far apart to be tolerable (but only after the second season). The big problem is "the pit". Instead of winning by destroying the opponent, you can simply push them into the pit and the match is over. When a robot lands in a pit, a pyrotechnic puff of smoke comes out to emphasize how much this stinks. A saving grace here is the house robots. As long as they stay out of the match until it is over, they can gang up on a KOed bot. You WILL see destruction. It's even possible to see a robot engulfed in flames. Now THAT is what we want!
Total Score: 8 out of 10. The pit hurts it, but it is otherwise excellent.
Robot Wars: Extreme Warriors
Airs on TNN. Sucks bad.
Now even the title here annoys me. Everything today is labelled "extreme". It drives me NUTS! My favorite example is Extreme Pita. Sure, their pitas are good, but they're not extreme. An extreme pita would be served on fire, with nails and glass shards in it. Next time you go there, tell the counter boy "There's nothing extreme about this pita at all! I want my money back!"
And DON'T EVEN get me started about things labelled "xtreme", "X-treme", "xtreem" etc. At least this show knows how to spell it correctly.
Filler Ratio: A little more than Robot Wars UK. Matches are shorter and replaced by stupidly long introduction of the house robots. Still, it is acceptable.
Ditz Factor: Okay now people, listen. Sure I'm a 21 year old male (until Dec 2002). Okay, so I don't have a girlfriend right now, and yes I like watching robot shows. There are a lot of us. BUT THAT DOES NOT MEAN I WANT TO SEE MINDLESS BLONDS FOR SOME T&A!!!!! AAARRRGGH!
The female co-host of this TV show embodies every possible valley girl stereotype you can imagine. She makes you want to throw things at the TV.
Wrasslin' or Not?:
This is the host of RW:EW, Mick Foley. Mick Foley is a wrestler. Need I go on?
Yes. You see, Mick Foley is very good at dramatic acting. This works great for wrestling, but it stinks up RW:EW. What's even more irritating is that Mick in real life is almost the opposite of his characters. I've read both his biographies, and seen many of his interviews where he was simply himself. He's almost a quiet, laid back kind of guy. He does look like he's having fun though, so I'll cut him some slack.
Wait! It gets worse! The producers obviously tell the competitors to wear costumes and talk smack to the camera about their opponents. The smack talk is getting toned down fortunately, and I've learned something about the people who build robots - they're weird. A good example is Ed Blaze. He came on RW:EW with "Snookums", a robot that looks like a shark. So he dresses up and talks like a pirate in front of the camera. It was annoying.
I met Ed in person at BB5.0. You know what? He IS a pirate. I bet you he didn't even dress up; he just threw on something from his everyday wear closet that happened to be a frilly pirate outfit. And he talks like a pirate in normal conversation (minus the "aaarrrr"). In short, Ed is awesome and hilarious. It's just hard to get odd personalities through on TV.
Interesting?: The contents of the fights are the same as RW UK, but there are no trials whatsoever. This is the only redeeming quality of RW:EW. One thing that really bugs me is the announcer. He has no clue on what's going on.
Final Score: 7 out of 10. Pretty good, yet less irritating as time progresses.
ROBOT WARS: SEASON FOUR
Now things get confusing. RW4 airs as both an hour long Britih version, and an edited half and hour TNN version.
Filler Ratio:
Same as RW (British)
Zero (TNN)
You might be tempted to think a show with no filler would be awesome. Sadly, this is wrong. To get an hour long show into half and hour, TNN cuts out:
-all references that other countries exist in the world (this is a show for Americans after all)
-all interviews and pit reports
-even some matches are edited!
The TNN version gives you only dessert. After awhile, you want some meat and potatos.
Ditz Factor/Wrasslin' or Not?:
They replaced the female co-host I liked above in RW with someone else who is a tad ditzy-er but still intelligent enough to not be annoying. (British)
Now for the TNN version. I swear they did this just to annoy me. Remember TNN cut out all British people from the show, and that means Craig Charles isn't the host. So TNN decided that they need: A host, an American, a ditzy female co-host, and if possible some ex-WWF wrestler. Why not have all in one? Joanie Laurer, aka Chyna, is digitally added to become the ditzy female wrestler host. Why must they do this to me?
Interesting?:
Same as RW (British).
Same as RW, with some editing of the matches. (TNN)
Final Score:
8 out of 10 (British)
5 out of 10 (TNN). Watch the British one if you can.
Battlebots
This simple, unassuming logo fits well with Battlebots. It is a no frills, simple show that is the best of the bunch. Airs on Comedy Central and Comedy Channel. Only 30 minutes long - all others are an hour long.
Actually is IS an hour long, just not in Canada. Boo-urns to that!
Filler Ratio: What filler? In 30 minutes, you get about 9 minutes of fights. the F-t-R ratio is about 2. That sounds like a lot, but watching BB feels like non-stop action. Straight from the theme video, they dive right into the action. The vignettes, though rare, are mostly interesting and worthwhile.
Ditz Factor: Sure, there are some dumb blonde hosts, but after they give their ten second sound bite, they're gone. They don't even have a chance to annoy you. But there exists a disturbing trend towards ditzyness. For season four, they've hired Carmen Electra to do impersonations of an intelligent person *shudder*. For right now (season 3 in Canada) the ditz factor is low, but appears to be rising exponentially. BB and Comedy Central better fix this soon.
Wrasslin' or Not?: Not. People are themselves. Announcers and commentators, when trying to jazz things up, never go too far.
Interesting?: Sometimes you have to watch two broken-down wedges for 3 minutes, but usually (especially in the later seasons) you get carnage and flying parts.
Final Score: 9 out of 10. The best of the bunch, but beginning to spiral downward.
And due to popular request:
Junkyard Wars. A shame you have to air on the same channel as Robotica (TLC).
Now obviously Junkyard Wars is not robot fighting, but does have a lot in common with them. You see teams build machines, solve engineering problems, and "battle" against another team. There have been at least two teams who have competed in both Battlebots and Junkyard Wars.
Filler Ratio: Zero, but a good kind of zero. The show spends 40 minutes showing the teams building, and 20 minutes for the battle. Every minute is worth watching.
The builds are filmed over a ten hour period, and edited to fit into the 40 minutes. You never get the feeling like you are missing something, but you occasionally smell producer intervention. It's like how "Survivor" tries to portray people in a certain light through the magic of editing. The effect is subtle and less annoying here fortunately. 
Ditz Factor: Ah, Cathy Rogers. If only all co-hosts were like you. In my dreams I see her bitch-slapping the other ditzes for not being able to think their way out of a paper bag. Cathy holds more degrees than I could get in my whole life. And to top it all off, Junkyard Wars was her brainchild! The
Junkyard Wars website said she came up with the idea for Junkyard Wars with a fellow producer after seeing Apollo 13.
"When the engineers dump that huge box of rubbish to try and fix the carbon-monoxide filters, I could just feel the tension building in the theater. A mechanical competition like Junkyard Wars captures that same sort of thing, combining that boyish obsession with machines with the thrill of competition."
Wrasslin' or Not?: Not or N/A. Take your pick.
Interesting?: Only every second of it.
Final Score: 10 out of 10. Fire up the VCR if you'll be away. Unfortunately, the most recent US season sucked very bad, so that 10 is on the edge of a cliff right now. |
