AMERICAN PANTS
(with profound apologies to Don McLean,
and a big, wet kiss for Madonna)
A long, long time ago,
I can still remember
How that pirate used to make me smile.
'Cause he knew if he told a joke
That he could make those people choke
And maybe they'd be nauseous for a while.
But all this pants stuff made me shiver
With every broadcast I'd deliver
Bad news from the keyboard
I couldn't help but be bored.
I can't remember if I laughed
When I read about his widowed craft
But something touched me fore and aft
The day the pirate died.
So . . .
(CHORUS)
Aye, I miss your peg, Pirate Hal
Hung a slinky from my winkie but the slinky just fell
Them good ole goofs were sending broadcasts from hell
Singin' this'll be a game about pants,
This'll be a game about pants.
Did you write some goofy tunes?
Or do you have faith in pantaloons
If the Master tells you so?
Now do you believe in Talkin' Jim?
Can squawking save your soul from sin?
And can you teach me how to aaarrrr real loud?
Well, I know that you're in love with pants
'Cause I saw you wear them at the dance
You all zipped up your Lee's
Man, you dig those blue dungarees.
I was a lonely mid-age goofin' schmuck
With a talking parrot and a loony bucc'
But I knew I was out of luck
The day the pirate died.
I started singin'
(CHORUS)
Aye, I miss your peg, Pirate Hal
Hung a slinky from my winkie but the slinky just fell
Them good ole goofs were sending broadcasts from hell
Singin' this'll be a game about pants,
This'll be a game about pants.
Now for ten years we'll be trading quips,
And goofs go flat from the sharpest lips,
But that's not how it has to be
Well, the Master sang for the King of Pants
In a coat he took from Jack Palance
And a voice that came from south of France.
Oh and while the King was looking bored
The Master stole his velvet cords
The Gap store was concerned
No sales slip was returned.
And while Cardin read a book on Klein
Versace practised his design
And we cut inseams on the line
The day the pirate died.
We were singin'
(CHORUS)
Aye, I miss your peg, Pirate Hal
Hung a slinky from my winkie but the slinky just fell
Them good ole goofs were sending broadcasts from hell
Singin' this'll be a game about pants,
This'll be a game about pants.
Helter skelter in a pantsy swelter
My jeans flew off and the goofs took shelter
Eight yawns wide and sleeping fast
Landing flat was all my press
The players tried, but they couldn't Guess
While the Master on the sidelines watched the mess.
Now the half-assed game was growing long
While armies played a fleeting song
We all reached for our pants
Oh, but we never got the chance!
'Cause the players tried to crown Lacoste
The bird was gone, the ship was tossed
Do you recall just what was lost
The day the pirate died?
We started singin'
(CHORUS)
Aye, I miss your peg, Pirate Hal
Hung a slinky from my winkie but the slinky just fell
Them good ole goofs were sending broadcasts from hell
Singin' this'll be a game about pants,
This'll be a game about pants.
Oh, and there we were all in one joke
A goofy nation up in smoke
With no time left to aaarrr again
So come on grab a thimble, tear your blouse
Hal's patch lost out to Levi Strauss
'Cause rivets are the devil's only friend
And as I watched him make a stitch
My stomach clenched, the laughs not rich
No denim born in Kiel
Could break that Satan's needle
And as the pants climbed high into the night
To dress the GoofMaster all right
I saw Jordache laughing with delight
The day the pirate died.
He was singin'
(CHORUS)
Aye, I miss your peg, Pirate Hal
Hung a slinky from my winkie but the slinky just fell
Them good ole goofs were sending broadcasts from hell
Singin' this'll be a game about pants,
This'll be a game about pants.
I met a goof who sang the blues
And I asked him for some happy news
He just retched and turned away.
So I went down to the hist'ry store
Where I'd heard the pirate years before
But the frog there said the hist'ry wouldn't play
And in the streets the mimes all screamed
The camels cried, the Bizarros dreamed
But not a goof was spoken
The bassoons all were broken.
And the three goofs I admire most-
Marcello, Floyd, and the Golgi Host-
They caught the last train for the coast
The day the pirate died.
And they were singing
(CHORUS)
Aye, I miss your peg, Pirate Hal
Hung a slinky from my winkie but the slinky just fell
Them good ole goofs were sending broadcasts from hell
Singin' this'll be a game about pants,
This'll be a game about pants.
ITALIAN ALL-STAR
(with apologies to Smash Mouth)
So-o-o-o-omebody once told me "I know you're gonna roll me,
your stab's the sharpest tool in your shed"
And he was looking kinda weak with his armies and his fleet
bounced around and now in retreat
Well, the stabs start comin' and they don't stop comin'
When I take Trieste you hit the hills running
Didn't make sense not to play to win
Yourself grows strong while your "friends" get thin.
So much to take, I am the best,
so what's wrong with stealing Budapest?
You'll never know if you don't stab
You'll never win if you don't grab
Hey now, you're Italian, get your armies in "A"
Hey now, you're Italian, gonna ruin his day
"I think I'll build army Rome"
Which causes Austria to sigh and moan
Dip's a great game, you're demeanor gets colder
You're afraid now? Wait 'till I get bolder
But those damn Englishmen beg to differ
judging by their fear of the Italian flotilla
Your front and stalemate, is gettin' pretty thin
Through this opening I'm surely gonna win
Trieste's on fire, and there's more
That's the way I like cuz that's what the stab is for
Hey now, you're Italian, get your armies in A
Hey now, you're Italian, gonna ruin his day
"I think I'll build army Rome"
Which causes Austria.....
So-o-o-o-o-ome Frenchman once asked, could I please get out of GAS
You need to get yourself away from my home
I said "nope, I'm gonna take Brest, I could use Paris for myself
cuz I marched hear all the way from Ro-o-o-o-ome"
Well, the stabs start comin' and they don't stop comin'
When I take Trieste you hit the hills running
Didn't make sense not to play to win
Yourself grows strong while your "friends" get thin.
So much to take, I am the best,
so what's wrong with stealing Budapest?
You'll never know if you don't stab
STAB!
You'll never win if your don't grab
Hey now, you're Italian, get your armies in A
Hey now, you're Italian, gonna ruin his day
"I think I'll build army Rome"
Which causes Austria to sigh and moan
"I think I'll build army Rome"
Which causes Austria to sigh and moan
PHASED ORDERS
(with apologies to Red Hot Chili Peppers)
-------------
Phased orders that I wish you saw
Sarcastic mister goof-a-lot
Close your eyes and I'll mess with you, cause...
With the judge I share...
With the judge I share this-a-lonely view
With the judge I share this-a-lonely view
Push me up against the wall
I-talian wearing bugger-all (*)
Wave good-bye to chorn and all, cause...
With the judge I share...
With the judge I share this-a-lonely view
With the judge I share this-a-lonely view
HEY JIM (a parrot's shoveling song)
(with apologies to Mr. Ono and the Walrus)
-----------------------------------------------------
Hey Jim
Don't make it bad
Take that sand-bar and make it smaller
Remember to shovel for all your worth
Displace that earth
And make it smaller.
Hey Jim
Don't be so bold
You were told to go out and dig there
The minute you take it under your wing
Your spade will sing
And make it smaller.
And anytime you want to talk,
Hey Jim, just squawk
Don't carry the pirate on your shoulder
For well you know that it's a goof
Who stays aloof
By making his press a little colder
Na-na-na naa-naa na-na naaa-naaa
Hey Jim
Don't let us down
You have found Hal
Now go and drown him
Remember to stick his head in the sludge
Then tell the judge to work around him
So goof a bit and goofalot
Hey Jim, you're hot
You're waiting for someone to sail off with
And don't you know that it's just you,
Hey Jim, you too
The pirate you need, you're on his shoulder
Na-na-na naa-naa na-na naaa-naaa, yeah
Hey Jim
Don't take it bad
Take that sand-bar and make it smaller
Remember to shovel for all your worth
Displace that earth
And make it smaller, smaller, smaller, smaller, smaller, smaller,
yeah!
Na na na na-na-na-naaa, na-na-na-naaa, Hey Jim
Na na na na-na-na-naaa, na-na-na-naaa, Hey Jim
(repeat ad belgiam)
U. S. C. H.
(with apologies to the Village Peop--nah, screw them)
-----------------------
Young goof, there's no need to feel smudged
I said, young goof, pick yourself a new judge
I said, young goof, 'cause you're holding a grudge
There's no need to be ungoofy.
Young goof, there's a place you can go
I said, young goof, where the humor is low
You can play there, and I'm sure you will find
Many ways to have a good time.
It's fun to play Dip at U. S. C. H.
It's fun to play Dip at U. S. C. H.
They have armies and fleets, /\/\r. Dutch and a cat
You can Conga with ol' l'Stat
It's fun to play Dip at U. S. C. H.
It's fun to play Dip at U. S. C. H.
You can vote yourself Queen, you can zap the undead
You can Goofalot from your bed
Young goof, are you logged on to Chorn?
I said, young goof, what are you waiting for?
I said, young goof, you can camp up a storm
But you got to know this one thing
No goof does it all by himself
I said, young goof, take your pants off the shelf
And just go there, to the USCH
I'm sure they can help you today
It's fun to play Dip at U. S. C. H.
It's fun to play Dip at U. S. C. H.
They have armies and fleets, Klingon-Turks and Winchill
You can Cha-cha with ol' Godzill'
It's fun to play Dip at U. S. C. H.
It's fun to play Dip at U. S. C. H.
You can crown yourself Pope, you can zap the undead
You can Goofalot from your bed
Young goof, I was once in your pants
I said, I was down and out with no chance
I felt no goof cared if I was alive
I felt the whole world was so jive
That's when some goof knocked on my door
And said, young goof, send your name into Chorn
There's a judge there called the USCH
They can start you back on your way
It's fun to play Dip at U. S. C. H.
It's fun to play Dip at U. S. C. H.
They have armies and fleets, Commie reds and Meblork
You can hang out with all the dorks
It's fun to play Dip at U. S. C. H.
It's fun to play Dip at U. S. C. H.
You can proxy your dog, you can zap the undead
You can Goofalot from your bed
etc., etc.
GOOFIN' ALOT
(Absolutely no apologies whatsoever to the Bee Gees)
You say you can tell by the way I walk
I'm not wearing underpants, but you're one to talk!
You say my timing's bad and my jokes are worn
But I was goofing before you were born.
But now it's alright
It's OK
Make fun of you some other day
We can try
To understand
The Internet's effect on man
Oh whether you're a-Smirnoff or whether you're Molotov, you're
Goofin' Alot, Goofin' Alot,
The players are a-spamming and observers are scramming, we're
Goofin' Alot, Goofin' Alot,
Ha ha ha ha
Goofin' Alot, Goofin' Alot,
Ha ha ha ha
Goofin' aloooooo...
ooooooooo....
ooooooooo....
oooooooot
Well now I make puns and I make rhymes,
But I can't get laughs, though I really try.
The GoofMaster's Cat gave me the news,
I've got no material, and I'm going to lose.
But now it's alright
It's OK
I'll live to goof some other day
We can try
To understand
The Internet's effect on man
Oh whether you're a-Smirnoff or whether you're Molotov, you're
Goofin' Alot, Goofin' Alot,
The players are a-spamming and observers are scramming, we're
Goofin' Alot, Goofin' Alot,
Ha ha ha ha
Goofin' Alot, Goofin' Alot,
Ha ha ha ha
Goofin' aloooooo...
oooooooo.....
oooooooo.....
oooooot
Song's goin' nowhere.
Somebody help me.
Somebody help me now.
Song's goin' nowhere.
Somebody help me.
Somebody help me now.
Oh whether you're a-Smirnoff or whether you're Molotov, you're
Goofin' Alot, Goofin' Alot,
The players are a-spamming and observers are scramming, we're
Goofin' Alot, Goofin' Alot,
Ha ha ha ha
Goofin' Alot, Goofin' Alot,
Ha ha ha ha
Goofin' aloooooo...
oooooooo.....
oooooooo.....
oooooot
TALKIN' JIM'S ISLE
(with apologies to hard working Hollywood jingle writers)
Just sit right down and you'll hear a tale
A tale of a fateful trip
That started from this Sussex port
Aboard this pirate ship
The mate was a daffy talkin' bird
The pirate brave and sure
Five passengers set sail that day
For a three hour tour
(A three hour tour)
The weather started getting rough
The tiny ship was tossed
If not for the courage of the fearless crew
Discov'ry would be lost
(Discov'ry would be lost)
The ship's aground on the shore of this uncharted British isle
With Talkin' Jim
The Pirate too,
The millionaire and his wife.
The movie star,
The professor and Mary Anne
Here on Talkin' Jim's Isle!
H-A-M-S-T-E-R H-O-U-P-I
(with apologies to Walt Disney, I guess)
Who's the mascot of the country
That's fun for you and me?
Le H-A-M-S-T-E-R H-O-U-P-I
(prn. luh / Ash Ah Em Es / Tay Uh Air .. / Ash Oh Oo Pay / Ee)
Hey there! Hi there! Ho there!
He's as goofy as can be!
Le H-A-M-S-T-E-R H-O-U-P-I
Houpi Hamster! (GM:) Brendan's Cat!
Houpi Hamster! (GM:) Brendan's Cat!
Forever let us hold our banners high... high... high... high...
So come along and sing a song
(And give us your GP!) Car c'est
Le H-A-M-S-T-E-R H-O-U-P-I
GOOFY GROUND
(with apologies to Stevie Wonder)
People keep on learning
Goofsters keep on scoring
Rocky keep on arf'ing
Cause it won't be too long.
Powers keep on goofing
While your \/\/indmills keep on moving
Bone keep on talking
Cause it won't be too long.
I'm so darn glad Dutch let me try it again
Cause my last time as Turk I blew a hole in my head
I'm so glad that I know more than I did then
Gonna keep my pants on
Till I reach my goofy ground.
Russia keep on rushing
Bizarros keep on 'Zarring
Winchill keep on tripping
Cause it won't be too long.
Oh, no.
Pirate keep on wenching
Frenchy keep on Frenching
Larry just start Darryling
Cause it won't be too long
Oh, no.
I'm so glad that Dutch let me try it again
Cause the last time I goofed and caused a whole lot of pain
I'm so glad that I know more than I did then
Gonna keep my pants on
Till I reach my goofy ground.
Whoo!
Till I reach my goofy ground.
